Fasting

I started fasting again last week when I do not have to go to work on Monday and Tuesday. It was a good start because I stay in bed all day.

Today, April 26 to 27, I took it to the extreme as it is going 26 hours already. I feel pangs of hunger. I haven’t had water either.

1. I want to tie my shoe laces.
2. I feel guilty eating.
3. My mother-in-law said we keep on buying when there is food and I really want tacos but I cannot buy. She gave us food but I am not craving for them so I don’t eat them and it is for his son and grandson.
4. I feed the low polar today or about a week now and I keep rescheduling my psych session.

I have this sort of eating disorder that either I eat a lot that I do not get full or I just don’t eat period.

This is not your ordinary intermittent fasting. I did it in 2017. I lost significant weight that time. I do a lot of walking in Filinvest where I work.

Today, pandemic prevents me from wandering around. I do not feel working out at home either following exercise videos. Either I stare at the ceiling or watch Korean drama, write blessings and spend a lot of time in Pinterest.

I ruminate best when I have time off. I have a lot on my mind triggered by a view on my LinkedIn profile and an email I sent out in 2017 that propelled me to say things I could not at that time. It’s about rejection. Subtle but stings.

Also my mom is in the province and she said they don’t have anything to eat but fish paste and rice. I feel guilty eating anything. A fasting is a good excuse.

Well hey, this is me. This is my life. I always miss my father.

I am sorry for all the wrong choices.

Running by Gaho ( Start Up OST)

Breathe in 숨을 내쉬고
두려움에 맞설 때
내게 들려온 한 마디
조금 더 힘을 내라고안개 속에 가려져
한 줄기 빛도 없이
고민하고 또 고민했었어
오늘의 나를 위해서남과 다른 시선에
또 다시 뒤쳐지는 그런 날들에
반대로 나를 일으켜 달려 나가지금부터 시작해 봐 앞을 달려
Running running 세상에 소리쳐
막다른 길이 나타나도 난 괜찮아
지금부터 시작해 봐 앞을 달려
Running running 너와 함께라면
뭐든 할 수 있어
끝없이 달려봐 거친 세상 속삶이 나를 누르고
점점 버거워질 때
내게 건네온 그 손길
한 번 더 일어나라고때론 울기도 하고
때론 소리치지만
내겐 절대로 지울 수 없는
나만의 중심이 있어남과 다른 시선에
또 다시 뒤쳐지는 그런 날들에
반대로 나를 일으켜 달려 나가지금부터 시작해 봐 앞을 달려
Running running 세상에 소리쳐
막다른 길이 나타나도 난 괜찮아
지금부터 시작해 봐 앞을 달려
Running running 너와 함께라면
뭐든 할 수 있어

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Hi, I am Kimkiboom, owner of this blog. I made this at the onset of pandemic. Now it has been a year ago.

I want to go back to my fantasy world that dreams come true. So ironic because this blog is called super real talk at wordpress.

I find comfort in songs with lyrics I do not understand because I do not speak the language. It gives me freedom to just listen and enjoy and maybe give it meaning myself. It is so comforting. Away from having a super real talk.

There are a lot to reveal in this blog. I hope I have the courage soon.

Bye for now.

I Get Mad – Restaurant Stories

I get mad when I do not get my order correct. Talk about pet peeve.

I am a simple person. I can wait up to an hour but it has to be the correct order. Food is sacred to me. I do not have enough money for everything else but I take a portion of my cash to go out and order something and get that instant self gratification over food.

Today, I asked mom to get me 2 crispy chicken shawarma rice and 2 cheeseburger with bacon. I wrote it on paper because she will not remember.

I woke up in the afternoon and check my food in the fridge. The white garlic sauce is all over the top of the chicken and rice. There is no hot sauce. I was hot as sriracha! Fucking shawarma stand did not get my order right. I stalk them on Facebook and sent a message. I was patient and ask if I can still get a hotsauce and said they are not open anymore. They will get me something free next time and that they are sorry.

I am throwing my order! I can not eat what I do not want. I did not get what I want so I am throwing it away! This story is the same as my crispy chicken fillet order at a certain restaurant. I wanted white meat and not thigh fillet. I throw it because they delivered thigh fillet. Fucking people.

Sometimes, I wanted to just cook. I am too lazy nowadays being on certain medications that clearly is not working because my mood is like this.

I have less cash but there is one more authentic Shawarma restaurant near where I work and I will order there. JUST TO GET THE FUCKING SHAWARMA HOT SAUCE!!!!!!!!!

Bitch.

Magical Way Out of Negativity

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” Gautama Buddha (Circa 563 BC- 483 BC)Founder of Buddhism

A thankful person is thankful under all circumstances. – Baha’u’líah (1817-1892)

This is Day 7 in the Magic Practice from Rhonda Byrne’s book, The Magic. I was not able to follow it yesterday because I am in a frenzy, still unable to get over how I was treated in the side job I had. So I must learn and practice the magical way out of negativity.

“It’s impossible to be negative when you’re grateful. It’s impossible to criticize and blame when you’re grateful. It’s impossible to feel sad or have any negative feeling when you’re grateful. And the best news is that if you have any negative situations in your life currently, it wont take a long period of time to transform them with gratitude. The negative situations will disappear in a puff of smoke – just like magic!”

This paragraph above is a direct quote from the book. As difficult as it maybe, I should look for the things to be grateful for in the negative situation. Here goes:

1. Leaving that side stint give me opportunity to find another that pays double. I learn to know my worth.
2. It gave me the will to leave instantly and move out of toxic environment. It came as a shock because I thought they were so nice to me and I learned that people and bit you in the arse. Mylene showed some signs that she was impatient and domineering during training. She was a bully I had to run away from and I am glad I did. I am thankful for the day I was late in the meeting because it gave me the courage to leave.
3. I was contacted by another employer the same day that I passed a written exam over 900 applicants. Again, know your worth. I did not listen to people when I accepted the job at $3 an hour. I never listened that it was too low and that I should know my worth. Now, I do. Thank you.
4. The next job is run by a nice manager and though it is demanding as she mentioned in the interview, I am sure they are kinder and tolerating than the previous one. We should be advocate of each other. We are under crisis and there is not a better way but to advocate for one another in times of crisis. It is still best to help each other.
5. What happened give me chance to be careful with my dealings with other people and who to give my trust to or trust no one at all. Trust only the universe that I meet the right people for the right jobs I will be good at. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Fake and Stupid Love

I woke up at 4am. I dreamed about a boy in my youth.

He was a joke. He showered me attention and gifts but never really getting serious with me because at that time he has a girlfriend named Omae.

With my naivete, I thought the warm, fuzzy feeling I have was that of love. No, bitch. It wasn’t. It was a recipe for trauma. An unrequieted love that shattered me for the rest of my life. Possibly contributed to me developing borderline personality along the way.

Seeing him in my dreams made me think, this guy is full of bull. Why did I let him manipulate me when I was young.

Maybe because I am stupid. I was naive. I am inexperienced. Or it’s just that, people are evil.

Backbiting bitch

No better way to put it. Her name is Mylene and she was an employee to an online job stint I had for about half a month or so. Yesterday, my son came to me and ask me for password to bind his Dragon Nest account. Little did I know that this simple interruption would go to the management review of my job and my capacity to focus on the job. At $3 per hour, shove it up your arse.

I was 17 minutes late the morning meeting and I was told how bad I was doing. With my mental health, I was not really in a good state. Off the water works. 10 minutes after the meeting, I did what I do best, send the most clear, curt and concise resignation letter.

Someone from same country should be advocate of each other because during these time, getting another job and getting paid extra with the extremities of health hazard is not a joke. But here I am bitten in the arse by this bitch called Mylene.

Sayonara. I still have a job waiting for me. I am just taking time off on a 14 day quarantine basis.

• 

Polyethylene

Mean girls and plastics. Save the earth, use papers. How is it saving the earth when paper comes from tree? Okay recycle. Can you recycle people?

Totally random post on a Saturday night. I am watching videos on mental health and mental illnesses.

I skip work yesterday because I need to take care of my mental health. Facing my boss is not worth the 9 hour, no lunch break. It is not worth it to see my subordinates corroborate against me. And so I did what I do best, called in sick.

It was the best Friday ever. I slept. I attended a meet and greet with my new team in UK and US. I eat well, I had food deliveries. Like a lot!

I pigged out which I totally deserve. I watch some Netflix docuseries. Chill. Play with my cat. Plan my Saturday. Get excited for Sunday, the ‘spath is taking me shoe shopping. I am asking for a semi expensive bag. I just entered a contract of buying a gold earring again.

I love it. Thank you!

I am not a Happy Meal: Leadership Challenge

You have what they don’t. You are in the position they are not. They have a lot of expectations from you. They are not performing and not accepting the feedback. Or simply, they are just ROTTEN APPLES.

I am not a happy mean. I cannot make everybody happy. I cannot please everyone. I do not expect them to like me. May be I am used to being liked by subordinates and hated by higher ups. Today, I learned that they are where they are because of their attitude and lack of work ethics. Rotten, rotten, rotten.

It is a good challenge. Evil smile.

Silencio

It’s no longer about the abuser not talking to you. It’s more about how are you reacting to it. It has been 12 years since I was introduced to silent treatment. Half those years I made aware through google search that it is the highest form of abuse. It creates unnecessary conflicts and drama. Not anymore. I learn to escape. I would rather stay away, far away as possible. Even if I have to stay for 24 hours in my work station to remove myself from the perimeter. I listen to old songs, blog and chat away. If I have money now, I would have checked in to a nice hotel with hot bath and fast internet. I would sleep comfortably and watch Netflix.

I am so relieved that I have a job – an excuse not to go to any family affair. The day will come that I will have my own condo unit near the work place and walk to work. Work until I die. I will not depend on crumbs of cash the abuser gives. I will go to the mall, buy things I like. Eat at restaurants I like. Drink coffee. Walk. Listen to music. Enjoy the rain. FREE from silence treatment.

I dream of living on my own like I used to. Taking care of myself. Reading books, writing and listening to music. Work, get paid, enjoy life. Die later.

Take sleeping pills, wake up, be happy. Warm bath, massage and good coffee. Netflix marathons and music. Bills are paid, there is abundance. You are rich. You have more than enough. That kind of peace and abundance.

Don’t even start with happiness. It’s my bestfriend.

Come to think of it, silence too.

Choose Your Hero

I should stop ruminating. Start day dreaming. Choose your hero.

Today, I showed up for work 2 hours early for my shift. I had an interview with a UK small company for a full time job. I cannot give up my current job because of benefits and damn, they pay me well. I just have to show up, suck it up and choose my hero.

If I was 12 years younger, I would have chosen my hero. There is no time machine. There is just you and your imagination. So don’t quit your daydream. Go to work, have air under your feet. Bounce, ski, fly, roll and just be somewhere in 2006, living inside your daydream. Then maybe, all is well. Then maybe, life is bearable. Then maybe, he whom you have chosen, is your real hero.

Because, you chose your hero.