Mean girls and plastics. Save the earth, use papers. How is it saving the earth when paper comes from tree? Okay recycle. Can you recycle people?
Totally random post on a Saturday night. I am watching videos on mental health and mental illnesses.
I skip work yesterday because I need to take care of my mental health. Facing my boss is not worth the 9 hour, no lunch break. It is not worth it to see my subordinates corroborate against me. And so I did what I do best, called in sick.
It was the best Friday ever. I slept. I attended a meet and greet with my new team in UK and US. I eat well, I had food deliveries. Like a lot!
I pigged out which I totally deserve. I watch some Netflix docuseries. Chill. Play with my cat. Plan my Saturday. Get excited for Sunday, the ‘spath is taking me shoe shopping. I am asking for a semi expensive bag. I just entered a contract of buying a gold earring again.
You have what they don’t. You are in the position they are not. They have a lot of expectations from you. They are not performing and not accepting the feedback. Or simply, they are just ROTTEN APPLES.
I am not a happy mean. I cannot make everybody happy. I cannot please everyone. I do not expect them to like me. May be I am used to being liked by subordinates and hated by higher ups. Today, I learned that they are where they are because of their attitude and lack of work ethics. Rotten, rotten, rotten.
It’s no longer about the abuser not talking to you. It’s more about how are you reacting to it. It has been 12 years since I was introduced to silent treatment. Half those years I made aware through google search that it is the highest form of abuse. It creates unnecessary conflicts and drama. Not anymore. I learn to escape. I would rather stay away, far away as possible. Even if I have to stay for 24 hours in my work station to remove myself from the perimeter. I listen to old songs, blog and chat away. If I have money now, I would have checked in to a nice hotel with hot bath and fast internet. I would sleep comfortably and watch Netflix.
I am so relieved that I have a job – an excuse not to go to any family affair. The day will come that I will have my own condo unit near the work place and walk to work. Work until I die. I will not depend on crumbs of cash the abuser gives. I will go to the mall, buy things I like. Eat at restaurants I like. Drink coffee. Walk. Listen to music. Enjoy the rain. FREE from silence treatment.
I dream of living on my own like I used to. Taking care of myself. Reading books, writing and listening to music. Work, get paid, enjoy life. Die later.
Take sleeping pills, wake up, be happy. Warm bath, massage and good coffee. Netflix marathons and music. Bills are paid, there is abundance. You are rich. You have more than enough. That kind of peace and abundance.
Don’t even start with happiness. It’s my bestfriend.
I should stop ruminating. Start day dreaming. Choose your hero.
Today, I showed up for work 2 hours early for my shift. I had an interview with a UK small company for a full time job. I cannot give up my current job because of benefits and damn, they pay me well. I just have to show up, suck it up and choose my hero.
If I was 12 years younger, I would have chosen my hero. There is no time machine. There is just you and your imagination. So don’t quit your daydream. Go to work, have air under your feet. Bounce, ski, fly, roll and just be somewhere in 2006, living inside your daydream. Then maybe, all is well. Then maybe, life is bearable. Then maybe, he whom you have chosen, is your real hero.
Same shit, different boss. There, you said it. I can but I didn’t. Showing up for Monday is the hardest when I am already thinking of quitting, again. Is it me? No it’s you.
If I try to survive each type of boss, I die a million times each day. No love left for my cat when I go home.
If I take my cold shower tomorrow’s shift, it means I decided to be a robot. TRUE POWER IS RESTRAINT, they said. If I am out to get that comfortable sum of money, I better do it correctly. You cannot get a reaction from me. WHEN YOU FEEL BEING ATTACKED OR BULLIED, day dream my dear. DAY DREAM. Don’t quit your daydream, they said. It is the best fucking time to do it. So whatever the boss said, goes in and out the other ear. You don’t even have to make sense of it. Stop doing the minutes. Fuck it. Don’t listen. They do not remember anyway. Fuck it. Stop caring.
All you want is a credit of salary every 15 days equivalent to your monthly income some years ago. Stay at a profit sharing company, milk it with all the benefits. You have health insurance and life insurance, medical reimbursement. ALL THESE WHILE DAYDREAMING.
Stop ruminating and let it go. Whatever the boss says should be brushed off. Do not let it get under your skin. Tell it like it is and don’t give a flying fuck. The boss doesn’t anyway.
The boss will give up earlier than you. STOP CARING AND GIVING A FUCK. Day dream and tell it as it is.
I restart myself by taking cold shower and my whole being is awake again. Another day. Another 9 or 12 hours in the workplace. I forget being a human. I am what I am, a money making machine.
As an artist and introvert and someone having issues with mental health, my brain is wired differently. I do not expect people to understand.
I am in a controlled environment where having emotion is a weakness. Laughing with subordinates translates to not having boundaries. That having no emotional restraint can backfire.
Doing what I do is the only thing I know. For 14 years, I wasted my life doing the same, thing day in and day out. It is very mechanical. I only change boss every 2 years after my 8 year job that ended in 2013. Why do I feel that it is too late to find my passion? I am here at 3AM pouring my thoughts on a blog page that no one would read. Waiting for an interview that I mistaken to be at 5AM but at 5PM instead following 10AM UK time. I dreamed about the interview.
Reality kicks me hard. There are bills to pay, and commitments to honor. For years and years, I wanted to enjoy my salary. It never really happen. I wanted to give mom a lot of money. I wanted to pay my bills in advance. Having that kind of peace comes with a price that I may not get lounging at home and doing freelance job.
So tonight, I am going back to my desk and meet my team. Put on a mask, motivate people while I die inside.
When I go home, I would love a warm shower. Another day.
There is a kind of assertiveness valued from person to person. I am speaking in random soliloquy here but I am sure anyone can get my drift.
For one, there is a limit to a person’s delicadeza. If I refer to others, then I am expected to possess a kind of amor propio. In this case, I resort to reading Desiderata over and over until I felt calm and collected. Because some people are stuck in the 90’s movie called Mean Girls.
Delikadeza. sensitivity on character, especially on avoiding offense to others. This word is associated with honor.
Amor Propio. “Amor propio” is Spanish word which means self –love; a sense of self-esteem or self respect that prevents a person from swallowing his pride. It includes sensitivity to personal insult or affront.
I do not give a flying fuck about work outs and how one sinister office mate in 2017 did it. Losing weight in a short period of time. I hear her talk about HIIT and LCIF and concoct her lunches at the pantry like it is her own kitchen. I abhor her. But now, I want to thank her. Truth be told, After years leading a sedentary lifestyle and momentary work outs and undisciplined diet, I only gained weight year after year. Today is my biggest. I cannot tie my shoe anymore and I find it hard to put on pants and underwear.
Yesterday, browsing through Youtube out of boredom and despair, I chance upon videos of short workouts. Today I discovered, those are HIIT workouts.
DAY 2 HIIT Day 7 LCIF
I am at a disadvantage of not having weighing scale here but I know my start weight is at 175 lbs. My goal weight is 125 lbs.
8 AM – 4 PM FEAST
4PM – 8 AM FAST
Other Scheduled Activities:
2 AM Drink Green Tea or Coffee + 1 Banana before work out, Drink Water all through FAST period when awake
5 AM HIIT workout
5:30 Brazilian Zumba Dance Workout
6 AM Take a Hot Shower
What is HIIT really? It is an acronym for High Intensity Interval Training which involves quick burst of energy from short workouts and quick rest periods. Most HIIT is no longer than 30 minutes. There are a lot of videos on Youtube to start this out like I did.
Before going to HIIT, I was reading sporadically 3 books on diet and how to be fucking skinny. Got bored and eat potato chips on the couch while browsing youtube that prompt me to get up and work my fats out.
LCIF on the other hand stands for Low Carb Intermittent Fasting. I chose 16/8 OMAD. One meal a day works for me and maybe 1 banana and an egg before 8 hour is over.
Positive about this brand spanking new start. I cannot wait to tell people that I was once fat, rather than telling them I was once skinny.